Tag Archives: SAHM

Mother’s Day: Two Letters

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Dear Mom,

This is the only picture I have of just us. I don’t remember it being taken. I don’t remember a lot- mostly by choice. The things I do remember will likely haunt me for the rest of my life. Questions gone unanswered and memories that don’t make sense. We used to be so close when I was growing up, I never imagined your life would take the turn it did. When I moved away to college we would talk every week. My visits home made me see a side of you I didn’t notice when I was living there- I ignored it. My wedding was like the beginning of the end for us. I tried to figure out what was going on with you and couldn’t- so I ignored it. When my first born arrived and you left that message on the machine, deep down I think I knew then what I know now- but I ignored it. We used to talk everyday on my way home from work. Every single day. I used to beg you to come and visit your grandson and see our new house, and then one day- you stopped returning my calls. Pretty soon it was weeks before I would hear from you. I remember being so confused and hurt- feeling like I had done something and didn’t know how to fix it. Of course, I know differently now. When my second son was born I remember rocking him to sleep one night and memories of my childhood came rushing in….fast. They startled me so much I put him in his crib and left the room. I started realizing suddenly that our life wasn’t what I thought it was. When I started asking you questions- you built a wall so high that it would take me years to knock it down -if I even had the energy to try. Our relationship became cordial. You stopped calling all together and I felt myself feeling free of something I didn’t fully understand. When I got the phone call after your surgery that cancer was in more places than suspected I knew I had to figure out the pieces to the puzzle quickly. But you weren’t willing….and honestly, I don’t think you were able. I think your illness, and I am not speaking of the cancer, owned you at that point. You became someone I had never met. Shortly after, when my daughter was born, I had an amazing experience. I looked into her eyes as she grasped my hospital gown and I knew I wanted so much more for her than what I had. She needed a mother. My three kids needed a mother. I made the choice to be done with my past and focus on my children – my family. My family. The thing I have wanted my whole life. Here it was right in front of me and I chose them, my family. Your anger, your wrath, and the fear you put into me I won’t ever be able to forget. I will never understand what made you choose the way you did. I don’t even remember the last time you said you loved me and I believed it. I never envisioned myself reading from the Bible, Psalm 23, to a phone with you on the other end not able to respond. As a child I thought you’d be my best friend forever the one who protected me, was always on my side, and would never leave me. I was never prepared for this reality. The wind was blowing and the sun was out when I kissed my hand and laid it on your casket. My God stood beside me that day while everyone walked away out of the cold. It was over. I was an orphan. I had no home to ever go home to again. My Savior surrounded me and reminded me that I was a Child of the King. I was a wife, a parent, a sister, a friend. I was blessed. I watched my hometown disappear in the rearview mirror and I drove towards the pink and orange sunset in front of me that night. I was mesmerized by the combines on either side of the road. Life was going on all around me and I just couldn’t grasp all that had happened. And I couldn’t wait to get home to my own babies. To be the Mother I always dreamed you could be. -Jennifer

 

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1978, I was two and a half

 

Dear Daughter,

I have been your mom for almost five years now. Can you believe that? In many ways I don’t remember our life without you. You have brought so much to this family. (No matter what the boys tell you- they adore you). I am your mom. You are my daughter. It seems to me that it would be logical that I am the teacher in this relationship. However, since your birth we have tossed logic out the door. You are my teacher, and I am so thankful. I watch you, you know. I watch you play with more joy for life than your body can contain. I watch you love your father in a way I have never experienced. I watch you admire your brothers. I watch you learn new things with determination and stubbornness. I watch you sleep with peace. It’s like watching myself with new eyes. As I watch you I have sympathy for my parents- they missed out on so much joy. Sometimes- I feel sorry for little three year old me. I see you cry over something so trivial and I can’t imagine three year old me having such small things to be sad over. It’s such a mix of emotions watching you grow. You have healed parts of me that I didn’t think could ever heal. You and your tiny fierce self have given me the chance that no one else could. I have the chance for a mother-daughter relationship that I have longed for my whole life. You know me better than I know myself.

A few months ago, I went to check on you in your bed. I covered you up and shut off the reading light as you slept. You suddenly seemed so big. So I whispered, “Please stop growing up- stay little.” At that point, you rolled over and whispered back, “I can’t….you need a mom. When I grow up I will be your mom.” I left your room wondering if you would ever realize how amazing your heart was. As we draw close to your fifth birthday this is the topic of many conversations. I tell you I don’t want you to grow up- you tell me I need a mom and you have to grow up. We both smile and move on to the next topic. I don’t know how long this will be part of our conversations, but I do know it has given me peace to know that when I don’t understand what I am feeling – you do. I know you roll your eyes every time I say, “Pssst” and you turn to me and say, “Mom…I know….I know…you love me. You don’t have to tell me.” I love that. I love that I don’t have to tell you. It doesn’t mean I will ever stop telling you. It just means you never have to wonder.  My daughter, I promise I will do my best to be the mom I want you to remember.

All my love,

Mom

 

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Mother’s Day, 2014

 

 

Saving A Sinking Ship

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While it’s true that I started selling Cookie Lee Jewelry when my second son was just a few months old, I did it initially to pay off a bill here and there and I had no intention of ever making it my full time job. I just didn’t think it was possible. I was teaching preschool and kindergarten at the time and CL was great as my extra income – I made more in one night sometimes then I did in a week of teaching. We decided to homeschool my oldest son and we found out we were expecting our third child about the time I started working part time in a place I won’t mention. I loved my job. I worked two days a week, and was able to also work from home. It was a great way to be able to earn income and still be with my kids and homeschool my oldest. When my daughter was just five days old I got a call from my boss wanting me to go and work at an event. She also offered that if I came back to work sooner I could bring the baby with me to my office and work with her there. It wasn’t paid maternity leave so I agreed to the second offer (not the event). I ended up back to work with a five week old baby, trying to nurse, figure out her schedule, attend meetings, change diapers, clean spit up off my nice shirt….and look professional. I was also working in a high stress, and somewhat hostile environment in my opinion. Although I was glad to have my daughter with me, I was miserable. I offered to work from home more but a new boss refused. So I just kept trying to make it work because this job needed me. Or so I was convinced. Soon my daughter was able to be in the childcare center a couple days a week so my office life seemed a little better to me and I had taken on another day a week. I was exhausted hauling three kids in heels through a parking garage, and checking on them during every break. The stroller, the bags, the breast pump, the back packs and lunch boxes….all while trying to get to my office before anyone realized I was running late again because of a “blow out” diaper. I don’t think any of us were happy-except maybe my boss because I was good at my job.

Fast forward several months, my mother had passed away and I took a week off to go home to Minnesota. When I got back, I was numb. I was still trying to put so many pieces from the last few years of my mother’s life together and trying to reconcile everything that had gone on the past week. I had a lot on my plate. Being a mother, while trying to grieve, seemed so impossible. My new boss came into my office on the first day back to work and basically told me that if I didn’t take the job he was offering me full time, I would be out of a job. We couldn’t afford for me to lose my job. We were barely making ends meet as it was. So I said yes. We had already stopped homeschooling our oldest, my second son was in preschool, and my daughter would be home with my husband who went to work when I got home.

I learned a lot about myself that year. I learned that the long drive to work was where my grieving could take place. I learned that my moral compass for how people should be treated in a work environment is high. I also learned to take a lot of crap from a man who threw fits when he didn’t like how things were turning out at work. My job was threatened, my pay was cut, I was swore at- even when I was doing a great job. I saw things from people I never thought I would see. None of us were happy. Yet- this is how the world works. I was working to make someone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. With my husband going to work as soon as I got home – I was burning the candle at both ends and feeling like I was letting everyone down. My family life was a sinking ship.

Then one day while at work, my husband sent me this video: Eli Learns To Ride His Bike

It took about two seconds into this video to realize I was going to go for it. I wasn’t going to miss anything else. I called my husband and asked him if I could quit and start selling Cookie Lee full time. He fully supported me since he had been suggesting I go full time Cookie Lee for years. I called a good friend, asked her if I could do it. She promised me that I had what it takes to make this job work to bring in full time income. I wrote my resignation letter instantly and a weight lifted from my shoulders. Life was going to be a little harder for awhile, but a lot happier. Two and a half years later and we have never looked backed….not even when shows have cancelled and the income wasn’t what we needed for the month. We are so blessed to have this business. I don’t get stomach aches on Sundays because I have to go back to work Monday. In fact, I love going to work and rarely even know what day it is. If your ship is sinking- maybe it’s time for a change.