Author Archives: supermomtothree

Mother’s Day: Two Letters

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Dear Mom,

This is the only picture I have of just us. I don’t remember it being taken. I don’t remember a lot- mostly by choice. The things I do remember will likely haunt me for the rest of my life. Questions gone unanswered and memories that don’t make sense. We used to be so close when I was growing up, I never imagined your life would take the turn it did. When I moved away to college we would talk every week. My visits home made me see a side of you I didn’t notice when I was living there- I ignored it. My wedding was like the beginning of the end for us. I tried to figure out what was going on with you and couldn’t- so I ignored it. When my first born arrived and you left that message on the machine, deep down I think I knew then what I know now- but I ignored it. We used to talk everyday on my way home from work. Every single day. I used to beg you to come and visit your grandson and see our new house, and then one day- you stopped returning my calls. Pretty soon it was weeks before I would hear from you. I remember being so confused and hurt- feeling like I had done something and didn’t know how to fix it. Of course, I know differently now. When my second son was born I remember rocking him to sleep one night and memories of my childhood came rushing in….fast. They startled me so much I put him in his crib and left the room. I started realizing suddenly that our life wasn’t what I thought it was. When I started asking you questions- you built a wall so high that it would take me years to knock it down -if I even had the energy to try. Our relationship became cordial. You stopped calling all together and I felt myself feeling free of something I didn’t fully understand. When I got the phone call after your surgery that cancer was in more places than suspected I knew I had to figure out the pieces to the puzzle quickly. But you weren’t willing….and honestly, I don’t think you were able. I think your illness, and I am not speaking of the cancer, owned you at that point. You became someone I had never met. Shortly after, when my daughter was born, I had an amazing experience. I looked into her eyes as she grasped my hospital gown and I knew I wanted so much more for her than what I had. She needed a mother. My three kids needed a mother. I made the choice to be done with my past and focus on my children – my family. My family. The thing I have wanted my whole life. Here it was right in front of me and I chose them, my family. Your anger, your wrath, and the fear you put into me I won’t ever be able to forget. I will never understand what made you choose the way you did. I don’t even remember the last time you said you loved me and I believed it. I never envisioned myself reading from the Bible, Psalm 23, to a phone with you on the other end not able to respond. As a child I thought you’d be my best friend forever the one who protected me, was always on my side, and would never leave me. I was never prepared for this reality. The wind was blowing and the sun was out when I kissed my hand and laid it on your casket. My God stood beside me that day while everyone walked away out of the cold. It was over. I was an orphan. I had no home to ever go home to again. My Savior surrounded me and reminded me that I was a Child of the King. I was a wife, a parent, a sister, a friend. I was blessed. I watched my hometown disappear in the rearview mirror and I drove towards the pink and orange sunset in front of me that night. I was mesmerized by the combines on either side of the road. Life was going on all around me and I just couldn’t grasp all that had happened. And I couldn’t wait to get home to my own babies. To be the Mother I always dreamed you could be. -Jennifer

 

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1978, I was two and a half

 

Dear Daughter,

I have been your mom for almost five years now. Can you believe that? In many ways I don’t remember our life without you. You have brought so much to this family. (No matter what the boys tell you- they adore you). I am your mom. You are my daughter. It seems to me that it would be logical that I am the teacher in this relationship. However, since your birth we have tossed logic out the door. You are my teacher, and I am so thankful. I watch you, you know. I watch you play with more joy for life than your body can contain. I watch you love your father in a way I have never experienced. I watch you admire your brothers. I watch you learn new things with determination and stubbornness. I watch you sleep with peace. It’s like watching myself with new eyes. As I watch you I have sympathy for my parents- they missed out on so much joy. Sometimes- I feel sorry for little three year old me. I see you cry over something so trivial and I can’t imagine three year old me having such small things to be sad over. It’s such a mix of emotions watching you grow. You have healed parts of me that I didn’t think could ever heal. You and your tiny fierce self have given me the chance that no one else could. I have the chance for a mother-daughter relationship that I have longed for my whole life. You know me better than I know myself.

A few months ago, I went to check on you in your bed. I covered you up and shut off the reading light as you slept. You suddenly seemed so big. So I whispered, “Please stop growing up- stay little.” At that point, you rolled over and whispered back, “I can’t….you need a mom. When I grow up I will be your mom.” I left your room wondering if you would ever realize how amazing your heart was. As we draw close to your fifth birthday this is the topic of many conversations. I tell you I don’t want you to grow up- you tell me I need a mom and you have to grow up. We both smile and move on to the next topic. I don’t know how long this will be part of our conversations, but I do know it has given me peace to know that when I don’t understand what I am feeling – you do. I know you roll your eyes every time I say, “Pssst” and you turn to me and say, “Mom…I know….I know…you love me. You don’t have to tell me.” I love that. I love that I don’t have to tell you. It doesn’t mean I will ever stop telling you. It just means you never have to wonder.  My daughter, I promise I will do my best to be the mom I want you to remember.

All my love,

Mom

 

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Mother’s Day, 2014

 

 

She is clothed …

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She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
Proverbs 31:25

I am in a funk. You know the kind- the ones where Satan really just wants to get in there and run you down until you are raw. I am fighting it. I know with all my heart that we are doing what God wants us to be doing and that’s why Satan is at our door. It is a funk where the attack comes from the outside and from the inside. While I cannot stop the outside attacks- I can stop the the internal ones. 

We women are so prone to allowing our negative self talk grab us and take hold of us. We compare ourselves to other mothers, other business owners, women in better shape than we are, women who have prettier hair, nicer houses, newer cars…. It just never stops in our heads. We have to realize at some point that we are created in HIS image. Yes-  we were created in God’s image, so when  we complain about ourselves we are complaining about God’s creation. We have to remember that , “It is good”. He says so right there in Genesis. Maybe we need to tape it to the mirror. Maybe we need a friend to hold us accountable to remember it. Whatever it is that you need to hear, hear me say at least this today: YOU are good. 

As for the outside attacks. Smile and laugh in their direction. Someone doesn’t like the way you parent? Too bad. Someone doesn’t respect your faith? Who cares. Someone thinks you are the root of their problems? Nice try. Don’t let the insecurities of someone else get in the way of who you are. You are God’s child. No one can take that away.

 

Saving A Sinking Ship

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While it’s true that I started selling Cookie Lee Jewelry when my second son was just a few months old, I did it initially to pay off a bill here and there and I had no intention of ever making it my full time job. I just didn’t think it was possible. I was teaching preschool and kindergarten at the time and CL was great as my extra income – I made more in one night sometimes then I did in a week of teaching. We decided to homeschool my oldest son and we found out we were expecting our third child about the time I started working part time in a place I won’t mention. I loved my job. I worked two days a week, and was able to also work from home. It was a great way to be able to earn income and still be with my kids and homeschool my oldest. When my daughter was just five days old I got a call from my boss wanting me to go and work at an event. She also offered that if I came back to work sooner I could bring the baby with me to my office and work with her there. It wasn’t paid maternity leave so I agreed to the second offer (not the event). I ended up back to work with a five week old baby, trying to nurse, figure out her schedule, attend meetings, change diapers, clean spit up off my nice shirt….and look professional. I was also working in a high stress, and somewhat hostile environment in my opinion. Although I was glad to have my daughter with me, I was miserable. I offered to work from home more but a new boss refused. So I just kept trying to make it work because this job needed me. Or so I was convinced. Soon my daughter was able to be in the childcare center a couple days a week so my office life seemed a little better to me and I had taken on another day a week. I was exhausted hauling three kids in heels through a parking garage, and checking on them during every break. The stroller, the bags, the breast pump, the back packs and lunch boxes….all while trying to get to my office before anyone realized I was running late again because of a “blow out” diaper. I don’t think any of us were happy-except maybe my boss because I was good at my job.

Fast forward several months, my mother had passed away and I took a week off to go home to Minnesota. When I got back, I was numb. I was still trying to put so many pieces from the last few years of my mother’s life together and trying to reconcile everything that had gone on the past week. I had a lot on my plate. Being a mother, while trying to grieve, seemed so impossible. My new boss came into my office on the first day back to work and basically told me that if I didn’t take the job he was offering me full time, I would be out of a job. We couldn’t afford for me to lose my job. We were barely making ends meet as it was. So I said yes. We had already stopped homeschooling our oldest, my second son was in preschool, and my daughter would be home with my husband who went to work when I got home.

I learned a lot about myself that year. I learned that the long drive to work was where my grieving could take place. I learned that my moral compass for how people should be treated in a work environment is high. I also learned to take a lot of crap from a man who threw fits when he didn’t like how things were turning out at work. My job was threatened, my pay was cut, I was swore at- even when I was doing a great job. I saw things from people I never thought I would see. None of us were happy. Yet- this is how the world works. I was working to make someone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. With my husband going to work as soon as I got home – I was burning the candle at both ends and feeling like I was letting everyone down. My family life was a sinking ship.

Then one day while at work, my husband sent me this video: Eli Learns To Ride His Bike

It took about two seconds into this video to realize I was going to go for it. I wasn’t going to miss anything else. I called my husband and asked him if I could quit and start selling Cookie Lee full time. He fully supported me since he had been suggesting I go full time Cookie Lee for years. I called a good friend, asked her if I could do it. She promised me that I had what it takes to make this job work to bring in full time income. I wrote my resignation letter instantly and a weight lifted from my shoulders. Life was going to be a little harder for awhile, but a lot happier. Two and a half years later and we have never looked backed….not even when shows have cancelled and the income wasn’t what we needed for the month. We are so blessed to have this business. I don’t get stomach aches on Sundays because I have to go back to work Monday. In fact, I love going to work and rarely even know what day it is. If your ship is sinking- maybe it’s time for a change.

 

 

 

Clothing Wars

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It’s that time of year. I dread it with every season and growth spurt. The boys look like they are waiting for a flood and the little firecracker looks like she is wearing half shirts. We have a great storage system out in the shed for the clothes that have gotten too small for kid 1 to go to kid 2. We also have a friend who gives her kid 4 clothes to our kid 3. It’s win win. Everyone but the oldest gets hand me downs. Sky brings in bin after bin for me to sort through while the boys are at school and I feel overwhelmed with the amount of laundry and sorting that I have now been added to my list. You may, or may not, know that the youngest is highly opinionated about what she will and will not wear. If I think it’s ugly or it doesn’t match- she loves it. If it’s a dress, has princesses, has ruffles, is pink, has flowers, or I think it’s cute- she hates it. It’s a real treat, she once gave herself a concussion when she was 11 months old and didn’t like what I put on her- she threw herself backwards off a chair. On our anniversary. As we were about to go out for our first date in a year. No biggie. So, today….she started going through her bins and literally dumping them on the ground. Tossing items behind her saying, “Not happening” when it wasn’t her “style”. Then I head a loud shrill, “WHAT is THIS!” as she walks around the corner with this:

 

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Moderately horrified that there is a bikini of the American Flag in her bin of “new to her” clothing she freaks out a bit. Not sure what the freak out is about I ask her, “What’s the problem with it? I don’t think you should wear a bikini anyways so don’t worry about it.” While lifting her shirt and pointing to her non-existent chest she replies in all seriousness, “Well THESE are NOT going to fit into this little thing” and throws it down on the ground. This girl….she has some dang good self esteem. Who am I to correct her?

PS: Ignore her messy hair, it was “hot” here today and she had been playing outside. She normally has perfectly combed and styled hair.

 

Mom The Great and Powerful

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Spitfire

I have spent most of my day with this little spitfire. Her expressions are killing me today. Between her eyebrows going up and down to her commentaries I can hardly keep a straight face. We are having a “girls day” which has included eating candy, watching a movie, and having pancakes for supper. Now- she is up past her bedtime and feels like a rockstar. She promises not to tell the boys that we had a fun day (really, they are out having fun and “girls day” is a cover up) and that we took naps and were bored all day. She has been practicing not smiling when she tells them how boring today was.

We watched a movie on TV so there were commercials which she rarely sees. One was talking about women over 30. She looked me dead in the eye and said in a quiet voice, “Mom….do you think you will live past 30?” After I snorted out loud I told her, “Yes. I am sure of it. I am already 38.” Her eyes grew wide and she looked at me like I was something to behold. I imagined a thought bubble over her head, “MOM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL.” She turned away from me and whispered to herself, “I didn’t know that….that’s so amazing….already older than 30…sigh….”

Towards the end of the movie, we were eating crackers right out of the cracker bag. No bowl and on the couch (girls gone wild in her mind). I kept getting the crackers out with my fingers, while she would try to fit her whole hand in the little tube of plastic. Finally annoyed that I could get them out and she couldn’t she exclaims, “Mom! How come you can do it and I can’t? Your hands are bigger than mine!” Wanting to cash in on my “MOM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL” persona that I thought I had going on I replied, “Oh, wait until your a mom….you will have magic powers too.” Sadly she rolled her eyes and said, “Or…just longer fingers.”

Here ended my great and powerful day.

My Littles

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Andy, Ava, and Eli

 

I thought the first post really should be an introduction to my littles, since they are the reason behind the blog. I think if you get to know each of them a little bit- some of their stories will make more sense. All three are so different I can’t believe they came from me- yet at the same time I see part of myself  and my husband in each of them.

My introduction to motherhood was not what I had ever envisioned (is it for anyone?). My first born was a surprise. In many ways. We had only been married for five months when we found out we were expecting. We had planned on waiting five years. It took me a few days to get used to the idea and then a week after we found out they told me we lost him. I was devastated. The nurse on the phone said I was bleeding too much and therefor it was unrealistic to think anything else. I cried. I went in for a blood draw to check my hormone levels, went home to cry more, and got a call that I needed to hurry to hospital for an ultrasound because they thought maybe just maybe that there was still a baby. The ultrasound tech told me to relax, and then she said, “See mom- the baby is fine. There is a heartbeat.” One week of being a mom and this kid was already causing some serious emotional outbreaks within me that I had never thought possible. The placenta  had attached in two places and one side had burst they suspected, hence the bleeding. A part of me will always wonder if there were two babies because of the huge sense of loss I felt even after seeing his heartbeat. He was born a very healthy 9lbs 7oz baby. I will spare you the horrifying details of getting a kid that large out of your small body. Let’s just say- Sky took care of him all by himself with the exception of nursing for at least the first week. He was lovely. Perfect. Round cheeks, blue eyes, and red hair. People stopped to talk to us everywhere we went because he was a magnet with his looks and personality. He was even an ad for a photography place. Just adorable.

He started talking at six months. “Hi dada” “Bye Bye” and every animal sound we could teach him. We would point to a monkey, he would make the sound. So cute. He was and is very attached to his dad. Andy used to cry when I came home from work because he knew it meant his dad was going to work (ouch). He was a very emotional toddler. Easily frustrated and angry. When he was three he taught himself to read, and it was like pieces of a puzzle falling into place. We suddenly understood where his frustrations and strong emotions came from. He is a very bright kid- which can cause lots of frustrations if you aren’t able to get the words out when you are three as to what is frustrating you. As a ten year old, he has read more books than I have, the Bible at least twice, and every history book he can get his hands on. We home schooled him for awhile to see if his learning curve would slow down a bit so he wouldn’t get bored in school and act out. Thankfully, he has matured enough to not let that happen at school now. He is an amazing leader, compassionate, very black and white, and yearns for people in our world to be treated equally. He has many gifts that will serve him well as an adult if we can help him control them as a child. He refers to his siblings as “the kids” and doesn’t see himself as one of them. He feels he is one of the adults in our family which is a constant struggle. We love him. We can’t wait to see what God has planned for him. I didn’t know what true joy was until Andy was born.

My second son. He is our only planned pregnancy and he was certainly a gift from God. He came quietly into this world with hardly a peep. He started screaming, not crying, minutes later and that’s almost all I heard his whole first year. He just always had an upset tummy and was crying and spitting up. Going anywhere in the car took hours. But we loved him. He was bald with round cheeks and big blue eyes and a smile that melted your heart. He adored me. He taught me a lot about unconditional love. As he grew he became the most creative, artistic child. He would put together puzzles for hours over and over again. When he was three he fixed my broken camera. We joked that if something needed to be fixed to just give it to him. Over the years he has kind of developed into my own personal fix it guy. Our door handle didn’t work so I asked him to take it apart and see if he could figure it out. Who asks their seven year old to take apart a door handle? He is also very sensitive but keeps to himself. Often, because he is an introvert, I don’t know he is sad or upset. He won’t tell us if he really wants a toy or wants a new pair of shoes….he doesn’t want us to feel “put out” by needing or wanting anything. He is overly thoughtful and has a heart of gold. You know how little girls think they will marry a knight in shinning armor? I gave birth to my knight. He will protect me from anything. (He will go to the ends of the earth to stop Sky from kissing me). So…watch yourself. He means business.

My daughter. (Oh my word, I have a daughter!) I don’t even know where to start. I guess I will start with the fact that we were surprised to be having a a third baby and even more surprised that it was a girl. Her birth story I will save for her birthday one year, but for those of you who remember it from the last blog- yes- she really did birth herself much to the surprise of everyone in the room and the doctor. When you enter the world saying, “Tah dah….here I am” I suspect it gives you a natural instinct for creating drama. Just a guess. She was born with a dark auburn mohawk and big blue eyes. She now has curly, long, red hair. Most of you have been following her stories on Facebook so you already know she is a spitfire. The first indication of her independence was at 11 months old when she threw herself backwards off a chair because she didn’t like an outfit I put on her. It was our Wedding Anniversary. Cancel the date, load the car, we are all hanging out in the emergency room. It wasn’t the last time a fit would happen over clothing. I can honestly say that if she is acting up- I could use the words “wear a dress” as a threat to make her behave. Here is the deal, I am raising a mini version of myself. She has sass, humor, a clever way with words, and a stare down that matches mine.  She also has an amazing heart. He dream is to grow up and become my mom so that I have a mom. I don’t have the heart to tell her it doesn’t work that way. She just wants me to have a mom like she does, and she will obviously be the best person for the job. I love her. She gives me peace.

So there it is all three kids described as much as possible in as little words possible. Now when I post the most recent amazingly crazy thing, you will understand a little more because you will know the personality of the kiddo that said it.